Hey guys, lurker here.
When I was in college, I used to smoke regularly, couple of times a week, with my buddies in their basement. We had a great time, and I had to eventually quit due to graduation and drug screening for jobs.
Fast forward 7 years.
I’m in a relationship with the love of my life and she’s a regular consumer. I really want to enjoy it with her, but I can’t seem to.
Between the time I smoked and now, some really heavy shit happened in my life. It landed me in counseling, and my trophy that I got to take home was some very annoying and particularly nasty ruminations and intrusive thoughts.
I eventually got over it, and have since learned to tolerate and live with said thoughts. They rarely, if ever, bother me anymore, the same way that stepping on a lego multiple times a day for 7 years eventually just becomes routine.
But when I smoked for the first few times, they come back in force. Weed is all about relaxing and letting the lettuce take the wheel, but I can’t relax, because I’m afraid of losing control. I fear that I might hurt someone, or myself, or that I might somehow become violent.
I know this isn’t true. I know weed doesn’t do that to you. But high me can’t seem to wrap my head around it and every high I’ve had has just turned into a silent, sad staring contest with the floor until I’m sober while my SO has a wonderful time roaming Skyrim.
I want to enjoy this again 🙁
I really miss the feeling of letting go and having fun, and just relaxing and being in the moment.